Sunday, 12 February 2017

Battling the self.

As always I never know what to write about and just write off the top of my head. Never any planning or research. Only ever what I experience and feel. This leads to very long term gaps between posts with nothing new to add.

Today I have something I WANT to add. Maybe a few of you out there will have experienced this as well. I'm hoping it will remind you that you aren't alone; as for me this post will help a little in relieving my own uncontrollable mental health issues.

A few months ago I stopped taking my anti-depressants in hopes of relieving some of the physical side-effects. Which it did a little bit but my other physical health issues unrelated to the medication side-effects just became more dominant. So in the end nothing changed for the better physically.
Today I start taking my anti-depressants again of my own volition. Many of you will recognise that overwhelming sense of despair, pointlessness and desire for everything to go away. Usually that means thoughts of suicide, sometimes even temptations to carry out those thoughts. For a while now I have been re-experiencing intense version of this, thus my decision to take the anti-depressants again and just deal with the side-effects as best I can which can be debilitating.
Often I have that sinking, crushing feeling that drains you of all life, energy and desire to do anything. Though I rarely have any desire for anything anyway. Desire is good for getting the most out of life, it's a driving force, but if you don't care about the things you desire then it's just pointless, empty greed. I am unable to care about anything sadly. The only thing I do care about and desire is my chosen topic of obsession. It's the only thing I live for.
I can't enjoy other peoples company, I have no interest in other peoples lives. I would like a romantic partner but I often ask myself if I could realistically maintain a loving relationship? I always answer no. I tell myself that I am ok with living out my life in solitude; never knowing the touch of another person again. And at the time I do mean it. However there are times when even I get lonely; however short lived those times may be. Thus a cycle is born of self-assured hermitage and crushing loneliness. Getting through those times can be very hard. It's not as if I choose to feel this way, it's just a natural human reaction. As much as I absolutely detest calling myself human. Loneliness is normal; so is wanting to be alone but being unable to empathise with others? To feel nothing for them at all? That is not something that produces a pleasant lifestyle for those of us who suffer from it.
I can't make myself love another person, or learn to love. I envy those who have romantic partners and feel genuine affection. It's like being torn in two at times like this. My envy for what I can't have and my natural state of self-imposed isolation.
I feel safe when I'm alone. Or I should say safer than when I'm around people. I never truly feel safe ever. This world feels disconnected, devoid of colour and warmth. As if it's a painting made from ice. Lifeless, shallow. How do you find meaning, a desire to live in such a world? You don't. You cling to whatever it is that keeps you going and hope to make it a little longer each time. Because life is the devil we know and death is the unknown. For myself that is the one and only reason I haven't committed suicide in the past; even then I struggle. Like many of you out there sometimes that thing you cling to and the devil you know attitude just isn't enough to help us cling to life.
It's exhausting trying to cling to a life that doesn't feel like your own while being assaulted from all sides by societies needs and wants from you. There isn't a single moment I ever stop thinking about how wonderful it would be to just lay down and sleep forever. It's a constant fantasy for myself.
But that's sadly unrealistic so I keep going. One day, each day, a little at a time. Without meaning, purpose or desire. Just holding on to life for the sake of it and nothing else.
This is what Battling the Self means for me.
What does it mean for you?