I'll be blunt. ... Yesterday I tried to kill myself.
Why? For the past 9 years I've been isolating myself at home avoiding all the triggers that make me unstable. Recently however my financial situation changed making that impossible to do anymore. Faced with this sudden and unexpected change and the thought of traveling on public transport, attending the local job centre and getting a job I don't believe I can do or cope with... It all came at me in a massive wave of fear which led to panic. I couldn't breathe, my heart felt like it was trying to burst it's way out of my chest, I was sick multiple times and even blacked out twice. If any of you have experienced this sort of reaction you know how terrifying it is. This led me to start thinking of suicide. I came up with numerous plans. I won't go into each plans details. The one I chose was to jump off a nearby bridge that is high above a local river. The river is shallow so I would certainly die.
I stood at that bridge for may be two hours trying to resist the urge to jump. Terror and fear of life telling me I should jump, that life is just going to keep being brutal and unforgiving, filled with despair. Whats the point in going on if theres nothing to live for? And my own self awareness struggling to tell me I shouldn't. We all die eventually, thats a fact, so I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of life.
Obviously I didn't jump as I'm here to write about it now. Though I can't guarantee it won't happen again and soon. I'm still on edge. I'm still in a constant state of panic. My body is tense and I'm nauseous constantly. I can't control or even adjust any of it. I am 39 years old, the way I'm going I don't expect to survive past my 50th birthday... or maybe even next week.
In a way this is a good thing. I had chosen to isolate myself at home to avoid the triggers that cause me to behave this way but with the change in my financial situation which requires me to now face them means that I now have to get help. Not just medication and the occasional psychiatrist and psychologist appointment. But a focussed intensive strategy for coping. I need help figuring out how to build that.
I can't enjoy life. Not like "Normal" people do. To me living is like a constant nightmare I can't escape except through death. So now comes the question of how to I reconcile that and still continue to live anyway? Right now I don't know.
Why? For the past 9 years I've been isolating myself at home avoiding all the triggers that make me unstable. Recently however my financial situation changed making that impossible to do anymore. Faced with this sudden and unexpected change and the thought of traveling on public transport, attending the local job centre and getting a job I don't believe I can do or cope with... It all came at me in a massive wave of fear which led to panic. I couldn't breathe, my heart felt like it was trying to burst it's way out of my chest, I was sick multiple times and even blacked out twice. If any of you have experienced this sort of reaction you know how terrifying it is. This led me to start thinking of suicide. I came up with numerous plans. I won't go into each plans details. The one I chose was to jump off a nearby bridge that is high above a local river. The river is shallow so I would certainly die.
I stood at that bridge for may be two hours trying to resist the urge to jump. Terror and fear of life telling me I should jump, that life is just going to keep being brutal and unforgiving, filled with despair. Whats the point in going on if theres nothing to live for? And my own self awareness struggling to tell me I shouldn't. We all die eventually, thats a fact, so I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of life.
Obviously I didn't jump as I'm here to write about it now. Though I can't guarantee it won't happen again and soon. I'm still on edge. I'm still in a constant state of panic. My body is tense and I'm nauseous constantly. I can't control or even adjust any of it. I am 39 years old, the way I'm going I don't expect to survive past my 50th birthday... or maybe even next week.
In a way this is a good thing. I had chosen to isolate myself at home to avoid the triggers that cause me to behave this way but with the change in my financial situation which requires me to now face them means that I now have to get help. Not just medication and the occasional psychiatrist and psychologist appointment. But a focussed intensive strategy for coping. I need help figuring out how to build that.
I can't enjoy life. Not like "Normal" people do. To me living is like a constant nightmare I can't escape except through death. So now comes the question of how to I reconcile that and still continue to live anyway? Right now I don't know.
