Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Not sure what is happening to me.

I don't know if this really belongs here but I need to talk to someone but there is no one to talk to. So I am writing it here instead.
From my previous posts you know I have various health issues including Aspergers, part of that is a lack of empathy. Also my lack of emotional connection to my family. I currently live with my grandparents, my grandfather has been diagnosed with cancer and doesn't have long to live. My grandmother has memory issues which continue to degrade over time. Possible Alzheimer or Dementia.
As society tells me I should care, I should feel something, I should SAY ANYTHING but ... I feel nothing when I know I should and I am ashamed of this yet there is nothing I can do to change this. You can't force yourself to care. So I just have to accept myself for who I am and the way I am.
What of my grandparents? Don't I owe them something? Anything? I don't know what to do for them or even if there is anything I can do. I am rambling now mostly because I am confused. So I will stop here. I just needed to talk about this and with no one to physically talk with this is my only other outlet. Maybe I will delete this post in the future if I find a better place for it.

Thank you for reading.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Forth coming goals.

The next goal I want to aim for in regards to this blog is an interview with various employers and their anonymous perspective of disabled employees. Be they mental or physically disabled... or both.
I hope that making the employers anonymous that their responses will be more honest and far less media news soundbite like. The kind of thing you usually hear from business and government PR representative.
If anyone has any suggestions of employers you would like to hear from please reply to this post. Again all responses from specific employers will be anonymous.

That sense of futility.

I wake up each day numb or angry. Numb to a world that seems colourless and without interest. Angry for no reason at all that I can ascertain except it just happens. Possibly an unconscious reaction to my life situation? Who knows. Mostly commonly however I am numb to the world around me. Nothing interests me, I cannot take pleasure/enjoy anything except my singular obsession of Anime. The stories and colours of my subject of obsession give me a sense of living vicariously through the characters and they're own world.
I take no pleasure in anything else despite trying many many things in the past. When I was younger I tried rock climbing, archery, martial arts, general ball sports ie basketball, Art ie drawing, Landscape photography and so on. Various activities that give millions of people across the globe pleasure yet I felt nothing. If anything I felt coldly empty which sadly is a mainstay of my psyche it seems.
So what is the purpose of my life? What reason do I continue to breathe? Why don't I end such a shallow pointless existence? Honestly I ask myself that every day. Yet I keep on living. Why? A mixture of anti-depressants and my over whelming desire to experience new stories. Always more stories. Some people are addicted to gambling, drugs, alcohol and even adrenaline. I'm addicted to the stories I can experience via Anime.
Is such a life worth living? If you were to ask a traditionalist within society they would most likely answer that I am a waste of space and should just kill myself. Yet I've noticed a slight shift in public opinion as the long, then short, years dragged on. The vast majority is still that of the narrow minded traditionalist yet theres a slowly growing voice of people who are willing to understand our mental and physical health issues and saying "It's ok to be you. You are who you are, don't be ashamed of it."
This new slowly building wave of educated understanding; I'm not sure where it's heading or what it will create but it's helping me feel more at ease with myself and my issues.
Life may be largely pointless without enjoyment/pleasure but so long as we keep living theres a chance to find or build something that will give us the pleasure we need to live.
Try not to listen to and internalise the tranditionalists vile mantra as I sadly do. Focus on being yourself and finding something that gives your own life meaning for yourself and for no one elses expectations.
We only have one life. Don't waste it by ending it early or chasing a lifestyle others tell you you should be living.

I want to work.

I want to work, I do not want to rely on a benefits system which could either fail or be removed at any point to support me for life. Yet where and what work could I possibly do? Employers are generally a business of some form and for businesses profit is always the fore front goal. Not social action, not charity, not ethics, not conscience. Profit is the over riding principle of any business and time and again we have seen that businesses will do anything to increase profit both legal and illegal means.
In such an environment do we really think that someone like myself be employed when you take into account my health issues? Crippling daily migraines with pain that increases depending of my physical activity, weak muscles and back, Depression, Aspergers Syndrome, Social Anxiety, Sensory sensitivity, difficulty concentrating and even making decisions. Employers the world over would see anyone with a health issue to be a liability rather than an asset at an entry level position. With my own health issues what employer in their right mind would employ someone like me even at a minimum wage position? I would be slow to get work done, I couldn't do much work at a time, randomly have panic attacks just from people talking to me or being nearby and be easily confused making it so I have to reaffirm what tasks I have to do multiple times a day.
Yet I still want to work. Though I do not blame employers, their first loyalty is to profit and hiring me is an act of charity with no real expectation of my being a genuine supportive member of the companies workforce. Society is a place where profit is the main goal of life it seems but thats a post for another time.
Where does a person go when they want to work yet cannot? A conundrum which is currently being asked in present day society within the media and parliament. As for whether there will ever be a suitable answer... I very much doubt it.

Housing and the hurdles we face on benefits.

I have lived with my Grandparents for 10 years because of health issues and low income. I desperately want a home of my own and I also want to work, that second issue I will cover in a later post. Yet the possibility of finding an appropriate home is mired in red tape and just outright prejudice by those in control of personal decisions or company policy.
Social housing is a fantastic concept but sadly at the time of writing Scotland is in the middle of a severe housing crisis. Hundreds of individuals and families bid for just one home in a desperate struggle to gain lasting accommodation that won't be taken from them because they can't afford the crippling and obscene rent costs as seen in private rented accommodation. People wait decades to be accepted for a home of their own through social housing depending on their circumstances, yet the location of said property is vitally important. If given a place of high crime and anti-social behavior it will severely affect quality of life and in some ways even possibility of employment is affected just by living in such an area.
Private lets should be more easily attainable yet in my own personal experience private landlords and or letting agencies won't even entertain the thought of renting to you if you are on any form of benefits. It does not matter if you can afford it, simply being on a benefit is grounds to deny you the right to rent your own home privately.
Obviously owning your own home when in such a situation is completely out of the question. No bank will ever grant a mortgage to someone on benefits and even if they did how would we pay for it?
So to summarise, social housing is great in concept but high demand means extreme competition, private lets are dogged by prejudice and owning your own home in this society is a dream that will never be realised... unless we win the lottery.

So where does that leave us? In my case I continue to live with my Grandparents until I find either a suitable private let or am offered a suitable socially rented home. Which do you think will come first?