Growing up I didn't realise that I had such a hard time learning things and especially learning from my mistakes. From my point of view I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was "Normal". I wasn't normal. I should have realised this when children, teenagers and then adults all the same age as myself as I grew up avoided me, bullied me, abused me or derided me for my weird nature.
To them I must have been some creepy weird idiot who couldn't interact with them in a normal fashion. From my point of view I thought I was being normal.
It's only now at the age of 38 that I realise just how different I am and how much of a struggle it is for me to think in a way that could let me interact with others in a normal way. I tried faking it years ago while I was still able to work by putting on a fake facade of happiness and social inclusion. It wasn't long before I found myself unable to cope with it. It was exhausting and I developed a heart problem trying to both keep up with work and maintain this socially acceptable outer facade. Obviously I eventually dropped it. I don't remember clearly but I don't think I managed to maintain it for even a month.
Because I didn't or couldn't learn from my mistakes this also meant I didn't change as a person either. I continued being a child mentally even as an adult. Even now having realised all this I am pretty much just an adult child though I try very hard not to be. Again trying to learn from my mistakes and learn things naturally is still very hard for me. I have to be constantly conscious of it, think my way through each thing I need to learn carefully. This takes a huge amount of time and effort, even after all that I am not often able to realise those learning experiences by applying them to real life. I'm not sure if it's because I still don't know how to apply them or because I am so absolutely terrified of both people and failure that I don't try to apply them. Though it's probably both and some other things about myself I've yet to realise.
As a child, teenager and adult (Physically) I found maths, physics, chemistry etc extremely easy but anything outside of the sciences where there was a clearly defined achievable right answer I failed utterly. In both classes and socially. I could learn with ease the most difficult of academic science in the classroom but could learn even a fraction as well in the other areas and I didn't even realise it.
I deeply regret so much wasted time and effort. It hurts knowing I've wasted so much of my life and with my physical health issues alone I know I will never have the chance to change things for the better. For example I want a true romantic loving relationship but who would want someone crippled with health issues both mentally and physically; and also is little more than a child mentally when interacting with others no matter how hard they try to learn not to be. Would YOU want someone like that as you significant other?
I used to love learning new things when I was ignorant about my own nature. Now attempting to learn anything just makes me sad and despairing. I've been attempting to learn Japanese over and over again for 14 years. I never get very far.
This is applies to social situations as well. People like myself may at times have a higher general intelligence but we think slower than neuro-normal people which means holding a conversation in real time is actually really difficult. If we take the time to think about what we want to say then we lose the chance to say it. If we just blurt out whatever we want without saying it this often leads to unpleasant results. Usually confrontation of some kind even if we didn't intend any offence.
Learning is extremely important in all aspects of life even in adulthood or old age. You have to keep learning every day in order to survive. People like myself are left behind in a society which is focused on social interaction. Especially in a society that is far more about who you know than what you know.
Where am I going with this post? I don't know. I feel I should conclude it with some sort of wrap up summary or clever ending but I have nothing. I'll edit something in later if I think of one.
To them I must have been some creepy weird idiot who couldn't interact with them in a normal fashion. From my point of view I thought I was being normal.
It's only now at the age of 38 that I realise just how different I am and how much of a struggle it is for me to think in a way that could let me interact with others in a normal way. I tried faking it years ago while I was still able to work by putting on a fake facade of happiness and social inclusion. It wasn't long before I found myself unable to cope with it. It was exhausting and I developed a heart problem trying to both keep up with work and maintain this socially acceptable outer facade. Obviously I eventually dropped it. I don't remember clearly but I don't think I managed to maintain it for even a month.
Because I didn't or couldn't learn from my mistakes this also meant I didn't change as a person either. I continued being a child mentally even as an adult. Even now having realised all this I am pretty much just an adult child though I try very hard not to be. Again trying to learn from my mistakes and learn things naturally is still very hard for me. I have to be constantly conscious of it, think my way through each thing I need to learn carefully. This takes a huge amount of time and effort, even after all that I am not often able to realise those learning experiences by applying them to real life. I'm not sure if it's because I still don't know how to apply them or because I am so absolutely terrified of both people and failure that I don't try to apply them. Though it's probably both and some other things about myself I've yet to realise.
As a child, teenager and adult (Physically) I found maths, physics, chemistry etc extremely easy but anything outside of the sciences where there was a clearly defined achievable right answer I failed utterly. In both classes and socially. I could learn with ease the most difficult of academic science in the classroom but could learn even a fraction as well in the other areas and I didn't even realise it.
I deeply regret so much wasted time and effort. It hurts knowing I've wasted so much of my life and with my physical health issues alone I know I will never have the chance to change things for the better. For example I want a true romantic loving relationship but who would want someone crippled with health issues both mentally and physically; and also is little more than a child mentally when interacting with others no matter how hard they try to learn not to be. Would YOU want someone like that as you significant other?
I used to love learning new things when I was ignorant about my own nature. Now attempting to learn anything just makes me sad and despairing. I've been attempting to learn Japanese over and over again for 14 years. I never get very far.
This is applies to social situations as well. People like myself may at times have a higher general intelligence but we think slower than neuro-normal people which means holding a conversation in real time is actually really difficult. If we take the time to think about what we want to say then we lose the chance to say it. If we just blurt out whatever we want without saying it this often leads to unpleasant results. Usually confrontation of some kind even if we didn't intend any offence.
Learning is extremely important in all aspects of life even in adulthood or old age. You have to keep learning every day in order to survive. People like myself are left behind in a society which is focused on social interaction. Especially in a society that is far more about who you know than what you know.
Where am I going with this post? I don't know. I feel I should conclude it with some sort of wrap up summary or clever ending but I have nothing. I'll edit something in later if I think of one.
