It has been some time since I last posted. Mostly because I write part of a post and then forget what it was I wanted to write while in the actual process of writing it. So have numerous unfinished posts that will never see the light of day.
So I have come to a decision to just post unfinished posts from now on and if I forget what it was I wanted to say perhaps someone out there can help me remember. We shall see. Think of this as an experiment.
ATOS, Hospital, Crippling migraine pain, fear, anxiety, realization that none of it matters, panic.
Last week I finally received a letter from ATOS 9+ months after applying for Personal Independant Payment. Of course I instantly started panicking, "This is it, my only source of income will be stopped because of government bureaucracy. What will I do? How will I survive?", this is what I was thinking though through most of it I wasn't thinking at all and just mindlessly panicking. I was terrified. After a couple of days I finally managed to calm down to a reasonable level though still badly agitated. Coping only by convincing myself that none it was really happening, that none of this exists and so none of it matters.
ATOS naturally has a very poor reputation and with good reason. I have linked two videos below for those who don't know what ATOS is and what they do. I have also added the direct links to the videos in case the embedding doesn't work.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/_SEpwFBhqA4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
http://youtu.be/_SEpwFBhqA4
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/n3t4GUuZQqI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
http://youtu.be/n3t4GUuZQqI
During my panicking I reached out to people on twitter in a mindless plea for help. I wasn't thinking in the least. I just needed the comfort of knowing that I wasn't alone and would have people to turn to if everything did go wrong. I'm sorry to those I bothered, some of whom I barely even know.
The only reason I am not mad with fear and panic right now is because since I live with my grandparents I have very low outgoings financially and a small amount of money saved. So if my only source of income is stopped I can continue for a short while without it. The question is what do I do after that? What alternate source of income could I find? I can't work, no sane employer would hire someone who can barely stay awake for 3-4 hours at a time, suffers from chronic migraines everyday and is terrified to interact with people on any level. What sort of employer do you know would hire someone like that?
So thats the big question.... what do I do to survive? I have no idea.
This all culminated it seems into a migraine so painful over the weekend that the pain almost drove me to making a hospital visit. People seem to marginalize the pain felt during a migraine as just a form of headache. It is not. The pain generated is excruciating.
Today I have a doctors appointment to discuss having my ATOS appointment at my own home rather than traveling to a place I don't know alone to be judged and manipulated by a stranger as to the intimate details of my health situation. I would never travel anyway, I barely leave the house. So hopefully I can at least get a home appointment organised. After that... I don't know. We shall see and thats want I don't like. I have no power over my own life. None at all but then have any of us really had any power over our own lives to begin with? I have to wonder.
