Sunday, 31 July 2016

2016 the worst year both personally and in general.

I know it's been a long time since my last post but I actually wrote a number of very long ones that never got posted. Why? Five of them got corrupted when trying to export from my tablet to online. Now they are permanently stuck in the tablet app for blogger and completely uninteractable. I can't even delete them. Others I wrote but wasn't happy with how they turned out.
So this post I will take a little time to give a quick over view of what has happened this year and how it's affected me.

In January my Grandmother was hospitalised and eventually placed in a care home after being brought home by police at 3am on a bitterly cold winter morning. She had developed dementia and had also started to hallucinate. My mother had to scream and shout at the local doctors office to get any help for her.
My Grandfather had developed kidney cancer and passed in his sleep at home in June. As some of you who may have read my previous posts I live... or lived, with my Grandparents because of my health issues so I was present when both events happened. My Grandfather wanted to see my Grandmother who was in a care home by then before he passed but he was too far gone to move. If we had tried to move him to see her he would most likely have died enroute. So he never got to see her one last time. That still haunts me. I sometimes think maybe I should have insisted that we try to move him. He was going to pass anyway... The least we could do for him was to let him see his wife one last time. Even if he didn't make it there. Am I wrong? I don't know. Either way it's a moot point as it's already over. Though I still think about it. I feel guilty that I didn't insist upon it but I'm not the only one in the family and it wasn't my decision alone. I couldn't be that selfish. I don't know anymore.

Then a few days ago my father developed pancreatitis and was hospitalised. He was stable until he crashed yesterday, his heart stopped for 3 minutes, had to be put on a ventilator, kidney dialysis and a cooling blanket. He's stable for now but who know what damage has been done to his body, especially his brain.

My mother told me yesterday what had happened and asked if I wanted to come into the hospital but after everything thats happened this year I couldn't say yes. I wanted to say yes.I felt I had to. I'm supposed to go in am I not? Yet I couldn't. I just can't take anymore. My Fluoxetine dosage has been increased to 60mg a day, I've been prescribed melatonin to help me sleep and Diazepam to help with my extreme panic attacks. I try not to take that last one at all unless I absolutely have to because of it's addictive nature. No more than one pill a day if i can avoid it.

This is just a quick summary of whats happened. I wrote it all in much more detail in posts that got corrupted. To put it in perspective of the subject matter for this entire blog, which is mental and physical health, I haven't coped well with any of these events. I've had numerous panic attacks where it's felt like I can't breathe and need to escape. To get out to anywhere but ofcourse there is no where to go so... well... I talked about that in a previous post so see the details on that disturbing aspect of mental health on the previous posts. I don't cope well most days with ordinary day to day mundane life. So you can imagine whats it's been like trying to get through everything thats happened this year as well as my own crippling guilt at being able to do nothing to help. The self loathing is at an all time high. Though thankfully not to the stage it was once at where I wanted to gouge out my own eyes years ago. I was close to doing that to. Obviously I didn't.

So thats the summary of whats been happening. I am dealing with it all by taking medications prescribed to me, trying not to think about any of it and distracting myself with my Apsergers chosen obsession of Japanese Anime. Completely throwing myself into the media to help forget about reality while watching it. I don't understand how neuro-normal people cope with life. I really don't. I am also ashamed that I can't cope the way they do. Though I know I have to accept who and what I am in order to just live and some days I can do that. Other though... when things like this happen? When I can do nothing to help and just get in the way and be a burden to everyone around me? Yes... Times like these it's hard not to... think in extremes. Distraction and escapism as well as the medication are all that keep me going. Just one day at a time. Just keep going I tell myself. It will all pass eventually. Just keep going, don't do anything rash. It will be ok. I repeat this to myself hundreds of times a day.

Maybe one day it will actually be true.