Thursday, 24 October 2013

Pain, so very much pain. It never stops.

I never used to understand why some people would take their own lives over physical pain. Thanks to my constant migraines however I finally understand just how much pain the human body can generate and it is an obscene amount.

I went to my meeting with someone from the local council in the Social Work department this morning for a "Benefits check" set up by my social worker. Now I want to make something very VERY clear right off. I hate money, I don't want money and it disgusts me that I need money to survive in our society. If I could I would live my life happily isolated in an out of the way cave far from any civilisation and living off the land. I'm not stupid enough to think I could actually do that though. I'm not some hardened land foraging native who grew up learning how to survive off the land with ease. Though I wish I was just so I could escape society. I and everyone else needs money to survive in our society because thats the way our society is built sadly. It's disgusting and makes me physically sick to think about it but there is no way to change such an ingrained part of our culture. So we live with it as best we can.

Because of my health issues both physical and mental it means I cannot work and so need financial support from the government. Which I am glad is there and that I live in Scotland for if it wasn't I would have become homeless and died on the streets many many years ago before now.

Back to the meeting I hated every second of it. The person I met with was very nice, understanding and supportive. The best person you could hope to have in such a situation but that never ever stops my issues from flaring up. I felt sick, dizzy uncomfortably hot and as if my heart was about to be crushed under it's own weight. I was barely even there for an hour at most yet when I left I could already feel the usual twinge and crawling sensation in my skull that signals the coming of one of my worst migraines which are always brought on when I spend anytime out and about around people and noise. I returned home and fell immediately into bed but like always just tossed and turned for ten hours unable to sleep and in ever growing pain and nausea.
I woke briefly for an hour only to pass out again and sleep fitfully until now.

I currently have a freshly frozen icepack on my head, and my stomach is rattling with painkillers. The lights are off, I'm wearing my prescription sunglasses to block as much light as possible which is only coming from my laptop monitor which is at it's lowest brightness it can go to. All while I write this. This is a daily situation for me. This is how I spend my waking hours every day.

Once again back to the meeting. I keep digressing sorry. We talked, asked me about my ability to do certain tasks and looked over my psychological reports and such other paper work. Eventually she came to the conclusion that I could apply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment) though whether I would actually get it is anyones guess. I personally don't believe I will be awarded it from simple cynical realism. I don't believe in the fairy tale concept of fairness that other people do because it does not exist in reality. Just a fact of life. This is neither a negative or positive view simply a realistic one. No point giving yourself false hope after all.
The process for application involved a phone call, thankfully the person I met with did most of the talking and I just had to agree to some statements. Even that was too much though. I cannot express just how much I hate phones. I don't even own one I hate them that much.

So the process has begun for PIP, it's 1am as I write this and the silence around me is very comforting.

After writing this lengthy post I think that my next post should be a detailed one about employment to help people understand why I and other people with mental health issues can't get or hold down jobs. Trust me it is NOT because we don't want to work. However thats a subject for a later date. For now I will pass out from pain once again.

Good night everyone and I hope that my posts are at least helping to educate some of you out there what it's like to live with mental health issues. If they aren't please reply and with a constructive comment tell me how I could improve my posts to educate people.
Thank you for reading.